Soaked In Sin

flood

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When the dam breaks,
Oh, when the dam breaks,
May I drown in the flood,
Lest I see what I’ve done.

Anonymous writes:

i apologize in advance if this comes out in a jumbled mess but sometimes the only way i can write anything is through stream of consciousness gotta turn my mind off and just put pen to page and hope for the best perhaps its my inner critic perhaps its lack of confidence i don’t know but the thing i want to tell you today is a thing i’ve never shared and i need to get it out and get it sent before i think about it and change my mind

not even sure if it really happened all i know is the vividness of it the full engagement of every sense as though i was caught up in something more vibrant than life itself in fact every day since has seemed washed out dull like watercolors but in my mind there is this one bright shining moment full of color and chaos

i was posessed by a demon

there i said it

but the thing i want to tell you is what happened when that demon took my soul for a joy ride the things i did the way i behaved none of these things are me the way i would normally behave i’m a good girl i love jesus i want to serve the lord and i hate hate hate that i’ve been touched by the devil that my soul has been sullied by sin and corruption but i have faith there is a plan for me and that this is something i can overcome if i just believe it’s a trial there is nothing in this beyond my capacity to overcome but i needed you to know i am not a sinner i am not a whore i am not a loose girl i never wanted these things they just happened

it was on my 19th birthday

god i

i can’t tell you this i can’t i can’t this isn’t

no i have to because people need to know the danger is out there and they need to know what can happen if they forget that the devil is waiting for his moment

it was at a birthday party when he caught me i was wearing my prettiest lace dress the one my mother made me powder blue with ruffled sleeves and nicely polished black kitten heels and a ribbon in my hair when i saw myself in the mirror i thought perfect i look just like dorothy from wizard of oz and i blushed because my father once said that movie was sinful and i shouldn’t have watched it because magic is the devil’s tool

still it felt nice to look so pretty and after all it was my special day i was turning 19

there were only girls at my party i am old enough to be with the boys without a chaperone but i prefer the company of other girls and honestly the boys have been very pushy since i turned 17 i’ve

well i’ve grown in ways they like i needn’t tell you exactly what i mean

anyway it was at that party when the doorbell rang and rhonda jumped up to answer the door i couldn’t imagine who it could be because everyone was already there and then i heard a shriek and

ohmygod a MAN a man a big beautiful man was in the room and some of the girls were smirking as though they knew him and others were blushing furiously because the man

he smelled like chocolate his scent filled the room and he wasn’t wearing a shirt his skin was hairless and tanned and i was sweating from the heat that came off him i’m sure he was a messenger of the devil the way he smiled and walked so cocky and comfortable into a room full of women like a lazy predator so certain and then

music awful thumping music so loud i couldn’t hear the other girls at all their mouths kept opening and they were shouting and talking but the man was dancing and i didn’t know where the music was coming from some horrible bass thumping and thumping and his hips moved like

i used to spin hula hoop and i could almost picture the hoop as it traveled up that shining torso wrapping round and round the hard slabs of muscle as he turned and swiveled and my mouth watered with the taste of chocolate that filled my nose as this man filled my eyes like no man has ever filled my eyes

black hair green eyes insolent grin broad shoulders and slim waist and then his jeans were unbuttoned and he stood there in a thong like only the dirtiest perverts wear and i tried but i couldn’t look away i had never seen a man the way god made him and i wanted so badly to see and i knew it was temptation and sin but i couldn’t

i couldn’t stop

i looked

and then he wasn’t wearing anything he stood right in front of me and he spoke to me and i didn’t need to hear him the music said what he was saying what all the girls were saying together they said touch him touch him touch him and i touched him and i lost my mind i was taken the devil took me

i took him in my mouth and i tasted the firm salty length of him and there were hands undressing me pulling down my lacy dress and baring my body to this man this devil this stranger and i swallowed him and choked and my makeup ran with tears but i couldn’t stop i didn’t care i wanted more and he was touching my face and stroking my hair so gently and i was ashamed i was crying i didn’t love this man i wasn’t married to him in the eyes of the lord and i knew there was something wrong but

i didn’t stop

i felt i was burning my shame was in my face like fire in my cheeks but it all seemed to be happening at a distance and i couldn’t think clearly i just ran my hands and my mouth all over his body until he lifted me in his strong arms and settled me with my legs about his hips and oh god oh god

the beauty of it the overwhelming pleasure i felt for a moment i was with the lord i knew what i was doing was not okay but it felt delicious and i lost all sense of restraint and all my fear and embarassment fell away as he pushed himself inside me deeper and deeper until he touched my center he touched my soul

i can still feel him there pushing deep inside me touching me like no one has ever touched me

i fell back away from him and his arms were hot bands of iron about my waist bracing my lower back as i hung from him pierced like jesus on the cross and he spun me slowly in a circle as the girls gathered around stroking and pinching and grabbing and licking and kissing me wherever they could find space to touch me and i felt torn in half as stars flashed in my vision and my muscles clenched and the smell of chocolate twined all around me

i was on the floor he had lowered me down now everywhere there were naked bodies and he took his pleasure in each of us and clothes fell away before his awful power and we fought to be near him to touch him and taste him and girls were crying as they licked each others tears and something a finger a tongue was in my

i don’t want to keep writing this but it’s haunting me nothing else seems to feel alive and i need to understand i need to know what came over me what posessed me why did i not fight it? why did it feel so right when i knew it was wrong? when i knew his fingers shouldn’t

but they were they were in my in my he i can’t the bible says its wrong and i’m going to burn for it but this wasn’t sodom this was my home and still they put their fingers and tongues there and i

god help me i liked it i wanted it i wanted to kiss them and beg them for more and i fought with the rest of them to get closer to him and i fought harder than the others because it was me he finished inside it was me he spread his seed over annointing my belly and breasts as the girls licked me clean licked him clean but inside i was still filthy we were all so filthy filthy filthy

and i’m almost finished i’m almost done but

it didn’t end there

it didn’t end there at all

the night went on

someone brought strong drink and someone brought pornography and someone was wearing a fake

a fake

pretending to be a man putting it inside the other girls taking them like he took them as the music pounded like the blood in my veins like the ringing in my ears like the pain in my head and still i couldn’t stop it was like the gates of hell were inside me and they had opened up and all my evil was pouring out and i rolled in it

just rolled in it

revelled in it

and through it all the smell of chocolate the taste of chocolate and salt on my lips and the slippery sticky sensation of other girls sweating against me rubbing and spilling over with so much sin until finally

finally crushed softly beneath so many bodies i couldn’t breathe and the stars came back and the blackness quickly followed

i woke up alone and heard someone in the kitchen

i struggled to put my mind together i was in pieces my dress was in pieces i clutched it to me and a friend came out of the kitchen with water my oldest dearest friend since girlhood i’ve known her and she was naked too and she knelt with me and gently washed my face with a cloth and she said she never expected me to embrace it like that but it was high time i joined the land of the living and i didn’t understand what she meant and i couldn’t speak i just gasped for air and she held me and kissed me and her tongue licked my tongue and she bit my lower lip touched me like he touched me and my belly tightened and my legs curled and i spilled more sin into her hand and she licked her fingers and smiled and said welcome to the real world and left me there in a daze

praying for forgiveness in a world gone suddenly strange

i feel like i don’t know anything anymore

and my heart pounds when i think of him and the things we did

and i’m suddenly damp when i think about my girlfriends and how can i face them again?

i’m sorry for this scribbled mess i just needed to get it out to let someone know

i am no longer innocent

and i’m not sure

if i like it

*Image from Internet*

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